On My Fifty-Fifth Birthday

When you're young, you think you're going to live forever.  "You have your whole life ahead of you!"  "You have all the time in the world!"  "I've got plenty of time for that!"  There comes a time, though, that these statements cease being true.  For me, that was almost five years ago; the day I was told that I have metastatic breast cancer.  I walked out of the doctor's office in shock.

When I was diagnosed, I thought that death was imminent.  According to  The American Cancer Society, a person with metastatic breast cancer has a 27% chance of surviving five years.  According to Metavivor, the median life span of a metastatic breast cancer patient is about three years.  So you see why I freaked out a little.  I thought my life was literally over.  In my mind, I visited the local funeral home to pick out my casket.  My children were 13 and 17 years old.  I wanted to live to see them graduate from high school (I have).  I wanted to live to see them get married and have children (still waiting for that 😀).  Because of the diagnosis, all of a sudden, January became very scary for me.  Read about that in the first paragraph here.

While I was undergoing chemotherapy, I wanted to die.  I wanted to unburden my family from the very difficult job of caring for me.  It's like caring for a baby, or more accurately, a toddler.  Someone who can't do much on their own (even walking to the bathroom), and is very needy.  I felt horrible, physically and mentally.  Thankfully, my family would not let me. 

Today's birthday is a milestone.  Yes, it's a "big" one.  55.  But it's even more exciting than any other birthday I've celebrated.  I made it to 55.  I made it.  I didn't think I would.  Even though it's rainy, dark, and dreary outside, it's a beautiful day today.  Beautiful.

I know my time here on earth is limited.  With that knowledge, I am doing my best to live a happy life.  To enjoy the little moments as well as the big moments.