"How Do You Do It?!"
"I don't know how you do it". Well, my friends, I'll tell you how I do it. I do it because I have no choice. Driving to and from treatment is completely draining, but I have no one to drive me. Jimmy can't driving anymore due to Parkinson's. One of my sons' work schedule is heavy and erratic. My other son lives four hours away. After seven years, no one else offers anymore. There's this misconception about cancer treatment that it's chemo/surgery/radiation for a few weeks and then it's done. But, us Stage IV patients are patients for life. Medicines have improved and are giving us longer lives, which means longer treatment times. I have treatment every three weeks, CT scans and echocardiograms every three months, and full-body bone scans every six months. This is the so called "new normal" of a stage IV cancer patient.
To be quite honest, I would feel bad if someone did offer to drive me. I feel as though I would be wasting their time, when I can do it myself. I have been for years now, right? Also, it always seems to be a bit awkward to tell you the truth. I always feel as though I should carry on a conversation even though all I want to do is close my eyes for the ride. During treatment, having someone sit there with me gives me a huge case of the guilts. The visitor chair is not comfortable. Whoever sits in it is bored out of their minds. Walking around the hospital to bide time is boring, also, and there's no cafeteria to sit in. Boring, boring, boring.
On my drives to and from the hospital, I have a YouTube playlist that I listen to that helps. On the way home I fight nodding off, drinking caffeinated coffee that I'm not supposed to have. I was so tired today on the way home that I actually cried because the radio in the van stopped working (it's working now). After arriving home, I had dinner (that a wonderful friend dropped off) at 3:30pm and in bed now for the rest of the night and most likely all day tomorrow (that's how it usually goes). Between now and midnight Sunday night I have two assignments to do, as well as ten discussion question responses for the college classes I'm taking.
How do I do it? I sleep a lot. I rest a lot. I cry and I yell and I scream sometimes. I mourn the loss of my young, healthy self. I envy those of you I see out after dark, those of you out to dinner and a concert or a sporting event, heck -- those of you who can walk up and down stairs. I have an incredibly wonderful husband, two sons, and two dogs who make it bearable, not to mention my wonderful family, friends, coworkers, and students.
To those of you who say you couldn't do it -- you could; you would; you have no choice.
It's hard. So hard. But the alternative....
To be quite honest, I would feel bad if someone did offer to drive me. I feel as though I would be wasting their time, when I can do it myself. I have been for years now, right? Also, it always seems to be a bit awkward to tell you the truth. I always feel as though I should carry on a conversation even though all I want to do is close my eyes for the ride. During treatment, having someone sit there with me gives me a huge case of the guilts. The visitor chair is not comfortable. Whoever sits in it is bored out of their minds. Walking around the hospital to bide time is boring, also, and there's no cafeteria to sit in. Boring, boring, boring.
On my drives to and from the hospital, I have a YouTube playlist that I listen to that helps. On the way home I fight nodding off, drinking caffeinated coffee that I'm not supposed to have. I was so tired today on the way home that I actually cried because the radio in the van stopped working (it's working now). After arriving home, I had dinner (that a wonderful friend dropped off) at 3:30pm and in bed now for the rest of the night and most likely all day tomorrow (that's how it usually goes). Between now and midnight Sunday night I have two assignments to do, as well as ten discussion question responses for the college classes I'm taking.
How do I do it? I sleep a lot. I rest a lot. I cry and I yell and I scream sometimes. I mourn the loss of my young, healthy self. I envy those of you I see out after dark, those of you out to dinner and a concert or a sporting event, heck -- those of you who can walk up and down stairs. I have an incredibly wonderful husband, two sons, and two dogs who make it bearable, not to mention my wonderful family, friends, coworkers, and students.
To those of you who say you couldn't do it -- you could; you would; you have no choice.
It's hard. So hard. But the alternative....
Comments
Post a Comment