Living Scared
Let me preface this by saying why I tell you all of this. It's not so you'll feel sorry for me. I do that enough myself. My hope is that by understanding a little better what I go through, you might better understand the actions and feelings of your loved one going through a tough time. Also, so you understand why I might be a little snarky sometimes, and seem to have lost my filter a bit.
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This week was a tough week for me. I've been pulled from my regular position at work to help out somewhere else. That's fine; that's not a problem; I love the work. What is stressful is trying to balance the two. I've been more tired this week than usual. We were all so tired the other night that we didn't even have dinner. Not just the "cereal for dinner" time -- we didn't even have the energy for that. This week, a few loads of dishes and a few loads of laundry were done, but not much else.
Yesterday, I received a check from a fundraiser that was held for me. Being on the receiving end is bittersweet. It's overwhelming to have the support of my family, friends, co-workers, and even strangers. At the same time, it's hard to reconcile the fact that I need the help. Historically, it's been people at the end of their lives who have fundraisers and such for them. I don't want to be at the end of my life. So, of course tears came when I received the check (and the money that was in the envelope from the people who didn't purchase the t-shirt but wanted me to have the full amount that they would have spent on it). I held it together until the incredible woman who gave me the check left, but it was difficult. The compassion of people still amazes me. It's a wonderful thing.
So, I've been tired, and I've been sad, and a little depressed. I try to hide it. Yesterday is the first time I felt like I was "faking being well". I actually cried a little in the bathroom in between classes. I put on a smile for the students, and staff alike, but I'm sad. Sad for the years ahead that I'm not going to have. Sad that my family has to deal with this. Sad that I can't do things around the house like I should. Sad that I can't take care of my family like I should, and want to.
It all hit a head last night when I found out that yet another fellow stage four cancer patient had died. This woman I had met in person. This woman, when we were at lunch with other local stage four friends, was a joy to be around. At the lunch, we figured out that we not only live in the same neighborhood, but actually just a few streets apart. We were looking forward to getting together again. It was just a few months ago. She seemed to be thriving, just as I seem to be thriving to you. She had a positive outlook, just as I seem to have a positive outlook to you. She was doing well, just as I seem to be doing well to you. You see, when it happens, it happens quickly. So many times in my facebook support groups I'll see a post from a family member that "Jane Doe passed away...." and I think, "but she just posted a picture of herself out a dinner the other day" or "she was just...." The point is, even though I "look good" or "seem to be doing well", I'm scared to freaking death. This morning, I cried on the way to work. I cried for Allandra, and the many others who have been taken from us. I cried because I felt a little sorry for myself. I cried because I'm exhausted. I sat it the parking lot for a few minutes to get myself together. I ended up walking in alongside my supervisor, and chatted like normal. He didn't have a clue. Not many people do.
Allandra, I will miss you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This week was a tough week for me. I've been pulled from my regular position at work to help out somewhere else. That's fine; that's not a problem; I love the work. What is stressful is trying to balance the two. I've been more tired this week than usual. We were all so tired the other night that we didn't even have dinner. Not just the "cereal for dinner" time -- we didn't even have the energy for that. This week, a few loads of dishes and a few loads of laundry were done, but not much else.
Yesterday, I received a check from a fundraiser that was held for me. Being on the receiving end is bittersweet. It's overwhelming to have the support of my family, friends, co-workers, and even strangers. At the same time, it's hard to reconcile the fact that I need the help. Historically, it's been people at the end of their lives who have fundraisers and such for them. I don't want to be at the end of my life. So, of course tears came when I received the check (and the money that was in the envelope from the people who didn't purchase the t-shirt but wanted me to have the full amount that they would have spent on it). I held it together until the incredible woman who gave me the check left, but it was difficult. The compassion of people still amazes me. It's a wonderful thing.
It all hit a head last night when I found out that yet another fellow stage four cancer patient had died. This woman I had met in person. This woman, when we were at lunch with other local stage four friends, was a joy to be around. At the lunch, we figured out that we not only live in the same neighborhood, but actually just a few streets apart. We were looking forward to getting together again. It was just a few months ago. She seemed to be thriving, just as I seem to be thriving to you. She had a positive outlook, just as I seem to have a positive outlook to you. She was doing well, just as I seem to be doing well to you. You see, when it happens, it happens quickly. So many times in my facebook support groups I'll see a post from a family member that "Jane Doe passed away...." and I think, "but she just posted a picture of herself out a dinner the other day" or "she was just...." The point is, even though I "look good" or "seem to be doing well", I'm scared to freaking death. This morning, I cried on the way to work. I cried for Allandra, and the many others who have been taken from us. I cried because I felt a little sorry for myself. I cried because I'm exhausted. I sat it the parking lot for a few minutes to get myself together. I ended up walking in alongside my supervisor, and chatted like normal. He didn't have a clue. Not many people do.
Allandra, I will miss you.
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