Stronger Every Day?

I've made a few posts on my facebook page with the tag #strongereveryday.  It's usually when I feel especially well, comparatively.  Sometimes it's when I walk up the stairs at work at least once, and/or down them at least three times.  I'm trying to build that up so I can go back to using the stairs all the time, as opposed to the elevator (to be honest with you, I'm more afraid of losing my balance on the way down than losing my breath on the way up).  Sometimes it's when I actually venture out of the house for something besides work or medical tests/treatments.  Those are the times I get to spend some fun times with my husband.  Sometimes its when I spend the time between work and dinner not napping.  Sometimes I'll spend that not napping window of time knitting, sometimes reading (when I'm too tired to knit, which is often), sometimes playing with the dog, and I'll confess, facebook games (Yahtzee and Inside Out are my go-tos these days, as well as the Trivia Crack challenge a friend includes me in when she does them).   I also spend some of that not napping time with my boys.


Last night I endeavored to take that #strongereveryday to the next level, and cook dinner.  I was so excited.  It was a simple dinner, really, piece of cake.  It ended up me helping David cook dinner.  Which was a big deal.  David and I making dinner instead of Jimmy and/or Jimmy.  It was nice to give them both a break.  Because I couldn't, David had to get out the heavy frying pan and put it on the stove.  He had to get the big bottle of vegetable oil (we buy from BJs) and pour some in.  He, because he wanted to continue, put the pork chops in the frying pan.  He got out the two smaller saucepans we needed (the drawer under the stove is too low for me now; I'll just topple on over and, well, nobody wants to see that).  He pretty much finished up, making the rice, heating up the cream of mushroom soup to go over the pork chops, and getting the frozen vegetables and preparing them.  I was able to, slowly and carefully, pull down four plates from the cabinet.  They're heavy.  Since I had transferred the pork chops out of the frying pan into a smaller one (to get them out of the grease and pour the cream of mushroom soup on them to simmer a bit), I was able to get the frying pan over to the plates; easier to serve.  My dear husband and David took over from there, serving the food.  I got a bit emotional when Jimmy didn't come down for this fabulous dinner I'd prepared.  He wasn't feeling well and had never planned on coming down for dinner, but I misunderstood and had been expecting everyone to sit at the table together.


What's my point here?  I'm trying to get stronger every day, physically and emotionally.  Last's night dinner set me back a peg or two with both of those.


On one hand, I think "It's been since August that I had my chemo, and September since I had my surgery -- I should be back to 100% by now."  The problem is, though, that I'm not.  I hear from women on the facebook support groups say that chemo can affect you for a few years after it's done (confirmed with my doctors).  I also know that one of the side effects of the daily medication I'm on is fatigue, and mood swings (I can cry at the drop of a hat!).  Still, I really would like to be able to lift a gosh darn frying pan without help.  I'd really like to not break down in tears when something doesn't go as I expected it to.


Lesson learned:  It's a roller coaster ride.  They'll be some bad days, they'll be some good days.  But at least there are days. 


Message to you all:  I hope that you don't see me and feel sorry for me.  Well, I'm okay with a little of that. ;)   I hope that you don't see me and think I'm milking it, acting like I feel worse than I do.  I don't.  No, no one has ever said that to me, but I sometimes wonder.... 


So, in answer to the question I get most often -- How are you doing these days? -- I'm doing as expected I guess.  Mostly I'm tired all the time.  I'm not as strong as I think I should be, physically or emotionally.  ...but I'll keep working to become #strongereveryday.

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